When someone you care about lives with chronic illness, it can be hard to know how to help. In this episode, we explore what meaningful support looks like when there are no easy solutions.
Learn how listening, presence, and respect – rather than advice or attempts to fix or offer guidance – can be the best approach for caregivers, family members, and friends who want to show up well.
In this Episode:
- 00:00 – Intro, Showing Up Without “Fixing”
- 02:14 – What’s Your Favorite Chocolate? From classic name brands to boutique NYC confectionaries
- 06:46 – An Eastside Legend: The $5,000 helicopter “money drop” in Detroit
- 08:18 – Recipe of the Week: Detroit-Style Pizza Dip
- 09:27 – How to Help a Friend with Chronic Illness: Support, Listening & Oreos
- 18:34 – Discussion: What Experiences Have You Had Supporting Someone with Chronic Illness?
- 23:51 – Excerpt from “Grief is Like Glitter” by Erin Hanson
- 26:25 – Outro
Chronic Illness is a Long Haul with an Unpredictable Course. How Do You Best Support Someone in the Struggle?
When someone we care about is living with chronic illness, we often want to help, but we are often unsure of how. We may worry about saying the wrong thing, doing too much, or not doing enough. And in that uncertainty, support can sometimes turn into advice, reassurance, or attempts to fix what cannot.
The Supporter’s Tool: Understanding “Spoons”
In this episode, we talk about how chronic illness makes days unpredictable. Many in the chronic illness community use Spoon Theory to explain this:
- The Concept: Imagine energy is a handful of spoons. A healthy person has an unlimited supply. A person with chronic illness starts the day with a fixed amount—let’s say 12.
- The Cost: Every action costs a spoon. Getting dressed? 1 spoon. Making a meal? 3 spoons. Dealing with a “flare”? 5 spoons.
- The Support: When someone cancels plans, it usually isn’t because they don’t want to see you—it’s because they ran out of spoons.
Pro-Tip: True support means being the person who doesn’t ask them to spend their last spoon on you. Instead, be the person who brings the Oreos to them.
Pass the Oreos, Please!
When someone we love is living with chronic illness, our first instinct is often to “fix” it. But what if the best support isn’t a solution? Try these options instead:
- Stop the “Fix”: Accompany them, don’t try to cure them.
- The Grocery Rule: Don’t ask “what do you need?” Say “I’m at the store, what can I grab for you?”
- Keep it Normal: Talk about movies, hobbies, and jokes. They are still the person they’ve always been.
- Invite with an “Out”: “I’d love to see you, but no pressure if you’re low on energy today.”
Remember, being a steady presence is more important than having the right words.
Learn Specific Ways to Support a Person with Chronic Illness
Related Podcasts:
- S5E3: Grief Groceries – Practical advice on how to provide tangible help without placing the burden of “choosing” on the person you are supporting.
- S5E1: How to Help Someone Feel Seen, Heard and Understood – A deeper dive into the psychology of communication and how to move past the diagnosis to connect with the person.
- S1E15: What People with Serious Illness Want (Part 2) – Firsthand insights from those living with serious illness about which gestures of support were truly meaningful.
- S6E24: Grounding Techniques “Life Hack” – Tools to help both the caregiver and the patient stay present and calm during the “uncomfortable moments” of chronic illness.
- S3E10: Understanding and Managing Fatigue – Essential listening for supporters to understand why “just getting more sleep” doesn’t fix chronic fatigue and how to respect a loved one’s limited energy.
The Eastside Legend: Darrell “Plant” Thomas
We share the remarkable story of Darrell Thomas, a professional race car driver and business owner whose final wish brought Gratiot Avenue to a standstill. To honor his life and his battle with Alzheimer’s, his sons organized a helicopter to drop his life savings—$5,000 in cash—along with rose petals over his community.
Funeral Lunch Recipe: Detroit-Style Pizza Dip
In honor of the Motor City, Charlie shares a recipe for a dip inspired by the famous deep-dish pizza originally baked in automotive parts pans.
References:
- Hanson, E. (n.d.). Grief is like glitter [Poem]. Unpublished poem, shared online.
- Chaos in Detroit as dead man’s life savings are dropped from HELICOPTER to honor his final wish | Daily Mail Online
Resources:
- Ways to support someone with a chronic condition
- Helicopter drops $5,000 in honor of this former Detroit car wash owner
- The Language of Uncommon Compassion: How to Talk to Someone With a Chronic Illness | AdventHealth
- Creative Strategies for Supporting Someone With a Chronic Health Condition – Regency Nursing & Post-Acute Rehabilitation Blog
- The Art of Showing Up: Creative, Budget-Friendly Ways to Support a Loved One with a Chronic Illness
- 14 Small Gestures I Appreciate as a Person With Chronic Illness
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